Whiskey Rebellion

Bushwacked!

So, I’m attending a wedding in Tahoe this weekend and making my final preparations for the big event, which include a visit to the barbershop for a quick trim. The trip was the source of some anxiety, because after rocking the bald dome for the past seven years, I recently decided to embark on the quixotic mission for the perfect ‘fro, no matter how long it takes.

This decision has sent me on a thankless quest for a “good, reliable” barber. Since I’m growing my hair out, it shouldn’t be too difficult to find an acceptable choice, seeing as all I require is that he clean up the hairline every few weeks – none off the top, mind you. Alas, victory is elusive.

With that in mind, I ventured over to The Fillmore to check out a new place and get cleaned up for the nuptials. After a half-an-hour wait (not bad for a Thursday evening), I was called on by one of the twentysomething barbers and happily settled into the chair. He said he would just be a minute and disappeared into the back room where he remained for about 15. Upon his reemergence, he yapped on his cell phone for another ten minutes or so, periodically telling me he’d be “just one more second”.

He then went outside to engage in a pathetically obvious drug buy. Very sloppy. I’m not objecting, but at least keep it clean, boys. A little discretion is warranted here. So, my man gets the goods, tells me to “hold on for one more minute” and heads into the back room to blaze. He returns in a cloud and finally gets down to business after another (blissfully) brief phone call.

At this point, I’ve been in the chair around 40 minutes and the shop is about ready to close. Still, I’m cautiously optimistic. I figure the kid just got his puff on, he’s in the zone and he’ll take his time to do it up lovely. So, I tell him, “I just want you to line it up. I’m growing my hair out, so don’t take anything off the top, just edge it up and make it clean.” Pretty straightforward.

So, after just a few minutes I feel him going up in the hair line and when I ask what he’s doing, he tells me he wants to taper it just a bit to make it look better, adding “Don’t worry, I know it feels like I’m taking a lot off, but I’m not.” Deprived of my glasses and reduced to blind-as-a-bat vision, I can’t verify this without causing a major production, so I give myself over to the Lord.

Who abandons me.

When the bushwhacking is finished and I’m presented with the mirror, its apparent the kind bud did not help his creative juices. My budding ’fro is gone – butchered beyond repair. I look like the off-brand version of Ron DeVoe, circa 1987.  

This, just a day before I’m reunited with friends I haven’t seen in years.  The hack job is so bad, I can’t even play it off like I’m going for the retro look. It’s criminal and I feel like I should be able to file some sort of professional malpractice suit. 

Would anyone object to the creation of a governing board for hair stylists - sort of a Supreme Court, Star Chamber-type committee that could banish the worst offenders to the nether regions of the universe? These are the type of improvements in our everyday lives that politicians should be working toward to keep the public some recourse when they’ve been wronged. Instead, it’s off to find a hat store. Anyone know of one on the road up to Tahoe?

So, This Is What the Gold Rush Is Reduced To?

I’m sure there are more nuanced economic readings of this story, but when 11, 000 people apply for 400 jobs at Wal-Mart, it’s probably not a great sign for the economy.

Relevant quote: "It's not about Wal-Mart -- it's about the rest of the labor market," Levy said. "If the rest of the labor market was strong, you wouldn't have 11, 000 people applying for 400 jobs."

Wal-Mart is the outfit that, perhaps more than any other American corporation at the moment, is condemned for providing low wages and meager benefits. Yet, people are beating down the doors like they’re giving away free Cabbage Patch Kids.

To be fair, a $10.82 average wage – “average” not always being the best measure in these kind of studies - is not too shabby for retail. That works out to $1,731.2 a month which should, you know, allow you to rent an apartment, pay a car note and maybe keep the light on in Alameda County. What you were hoping for more?

“Woooooo Pig! Sooey!

For all those who like to gnash their teeth, pull their hair and lament over America’s cultural inferiority, we humbly recommend this item.

I suggest we get a team of rabid Razorback fans together and fly them over to southern France for a pig-calling clash of the titans. It’ll be like Rocky V. Drago - except with pork rinds served ringside. Ok, that’s wishful thinking. Maybe a nice Bordeaux – and pork rinds.

Jimmy Conway woulda wacked somebody for this ...

All right, so this is exactly what you DON'T do after you successfully pull off one of the biggest bank heists in history.  Sheeesh, didn't these guys ever watch Goodfellas?

Spread the Love

The aftermath of this fiasco must have made the triple bypass seem like a day at the beach. One bypass for each wife - coincidence?  On the bright side, the fine was only the equivalent of $126. I paid $115 for a jaywalking ticket once, so I think he got off pretty cheap there.

In fairness, though, there were probably late fees added on to the fine because the check was late. I thought I could get away without paying being that I don’t have a car and it wasn’t really a moving violation, well, I was moving, but you know what I mean – not in a vehicle. The court was not persuaded evidently, because they threatened to suspend my license. I still remember that when the officer wrote the ticket, on the line where you indicate the speed the offender was traveling, he put 4 MPH. And people say cops don't care about their jobs.

Honey, I'm soooo sorrrry

And if you can't hack the marriage until you're 104, there's always this option:  

Shut Up Harold! There's Nothing Good About Getting Old

I like how the husband in this story spouts the typical platitudes about love, hope commitment and devotion that one expects from an old – extremely old – couple when explaining how they have survived for so long.

Then his wife chips in with the “Life is Hell” sentiment. Way to tell it like it is, grandma. That reminds me of how, when we were twenty or so, my good friend Christian (C.D. Manders) used to comment on how we couldn’t wait until he aged so he could say whatever he wanted and wear loud-ass plaid pants and no one could do anything about it because he was so old. There’s not much to embrace about aging, but being resolved of the obligation to match and make sense when you talk is some consolation.

 

Tired of all that Inspirational Crap?

Did you feel like the movie Office Space was written for you, specifically? Are you tired of the trite, motivational posters adorning conference room walls? Does the rah-rah speech and slap on the back from your boss feel like an ice pick through your shoulder blades? Well, then, we have just the site for you.

 

The above link comes courtesy of the one-and-only Mr. C.D. Manders. Say hello if you’re ever in the ’Burgh.

No Free Trade for You

 

When CNOOC, the Chinese oil giant - under heavy pressure from the US Government - recently withdrew its takeover bid for the American oil firm Unocal, it was simply the latest in a series of events inspired by hysteria over the rising yellow menace. While the Bush administration can, in most cases, be counted upon to reliably bang the drum of free trade, the threat of a largely state-owned corporation – fueled by the Chinese economic juggernaut – derailed its stated commitment to a relatively unrestrained global economy. And this, in the same week where the US House of Representatives approved the Central American Free Trade Agreement (CAFTA) despite the strenuous objections of many Americans, labor unions and protectionist politicians of all stripes.

Of course, those who opposed CNOOC’s takeover bid would argue that Guatemalan banana farmers offer little threat to America’s national security, something that cannot be said of the Chinese government, which owns 70 percent of CNOOC. This reasoning conveniently ignores the fact that China’s rise as an economic power and a more prosperous society is based largely on the increased export of goods to the West – especially to the United States - and the resulting increase in purchasing power that this has created for the Chinese, or at least for those Chinese living in the country’s major, thriving economic centers. For better or worse, the two economies are too intertwined to ever seriously broach the thought of war, no matter how much diplomatic posturing and chest-thumping they may undertake. Even if I hate my next-door neighbor’s guts, I’m not going to firebomb his house, if only out of concern for my own.

Nevertheless, a lot of otherwise reasonable people are trying to cast China as the new USSR. Yet, what the rhetoric on both sides – American and Chinese – disguises is the fact that the US and China are bound in a way that the US and the Soviet Union never were – or could have been - under their respective economic systems. So, to suggest that the Sino-American relationship will follow a similarly Manichean path is misguided and ignores the realities of the global economy.

It’s often said, erroneously, that no two democracies have ever gone to war. In fact, numerous democracies, unless you take an extremely narrow and until fairly recently – unrealized - view of the term have gone to war. This is true because the relationship that precludes warfare between two countries is not the nature of their political structures, but the relationship of their economic interests. 

I am reminded here of the McDonald’s Peace Formula, which holds that no two countries with a McDonalds have ever gone to war. Perhaps that’s because they’re too bloated to get up off the couch and pick up a machine gun, but I tend to think it’s because wealthy nations don’t like to threaten their prosperity by lobbing grenades at countries that buy their products and line their pockets. Military conflict between the US and China is most certainly not in anyone’s economic interests. Well, maybe the EU’s, but that’s a topic for another day.

Moreover, with particular respect to the CNOOC’s proposed $18.5 billion acquisition, even the economic implications were relatively insignificant. Oil is a valuable resource, to be sure, but Unocal accounts for less than 1 percent of global oil production, well below the typical threshold the government uses for anti-competition review. Condemnation of the CNOOC takeover bid is at best myopic and at worst hypocritical. In any case, it is not the type of incident that builds credibility when the US preaches the gospel of free trade around the globe. It does, however, suggest a new mantra: “Free Trade – but Only for the Free”. That has a nice, Rovian ring to it.

Is that Drakkar Noir?

The Wall Street Journal (subscription required) ran a piece today on security in American shopping malls, which government experts view as plum targets for future terrorist attacks. The upshot of the story is that while the department has issued a slew of stringent security recommendations, mall security firms seem to be opting for easier-to-implement and more subjective enforcement techniques.

As the article notes, the government advised mall security agents to pay special attention to their olfactory sense as would-be bombers often "anoint themselves with perfume, fragrant soap or rosewater in preparation for what they believe will be their martyrdom."

So do a lot of 16-year old boys trying to get a date for the prom. Still, just to be on the safe-side, I’d post a guard and bomb-sniffing dog outside of Perfumania.